A couple of days ago, I woke up and didn’t feel like myself. It was strange, to say the least. Something had happened to my personality. It had detached itself from my body. I felt like an actor playing the part of me, or a doppelganger here to replace me. It is hard to explain how I felt like some non-me and yet I still knew who “I” was supposed to be. But I was the clone. I was the imposter that you ultimately end up destroying to save the real person.
“She’s not feeling quite herself.” It sounds like a phrase from a movie, doesn’t it? I’ve never heard someone say they weren’t feeling like themselves in real life. And usually when they say it in the movies there is some sort of extra significance… “I’m not feeling like myself this morning,” says the imposter on the other side of the door, trying to delay discovery.
I didn’t know what to do with it. I was surrounded by things that weren’t mine and all the memories that didn’t matter. I could sit at my computer, but what could I say? There were no honest words in me, only things I could lie about to continue my disguise. I couldn’t call my mom for the same reason.
Feeling utterly defective, I did what you naturally do when some machine is giving you trouble. I tried turning it off and turning it on again. In this instance meaning I got back into bed and went to sleep. It worked. I woke up a few hours later and I was the right version of myself again. I was the original.
When this happened to me I was severely weirded out. Now that it is over, though, I am a bit fascinated. What was that about? Where did it come from? Will it happen again? At this point I have no way of knowing.