What could I be? Just the briefest of beings in the smallest of worlds. All of us. Is it any wonder that we reach for so much grander? Is it not so very human to strive for the scale we wonder at? Why press that down? Why crush that in anyone?
I am not broken
We are not broken
Not a one
There is no perfect
No one so whole
But we have all felt broken
Or if not all
Are we not the norm?
Do we not set the trend?
Do we not shape the world?
We are not broken
Something is broken
What is it?
It is the lens
It is the mirror
It is how we see each other
It is how we see ourselves
It is how I see myself
It is point of view
And we broke it
We held it
And listened when we were told to break it
Because generations before had done it
Because our parents had done it
Because everyone else had done it
So we did
And I did too
But something happened
The view tilted
To an awkward angle
For a moment I could see differently
I saw between the cracks
I could see us
I could see everyone
I could see myself
Now I try
To hold it in my mind
To always remember
The truth I learned
I am not broken
We are not broken
Not a one
I looked up and there was Nothing
Nothing but neighbours I have never met
and never will
Nothing but birds and their freedom
Nothing but sunshine
Nothing but moonlight
which is sunshine
Nothing but dust
Nothing but potential
Nothing with a capital N
Nothing but the great expanse of the universe
Say that three times fast. It’s my way of saying that I’m not good at this whole humanity thing. I find it hard to empathize with other people, to trust them, to value them as equal to myself. This is introversion and then some. I suppose it might be considered anti-social. I feel like people use that term like they’re bragging about themselves. But putting any consideration into this anti-social attitude creates an enormous problem. How do I begin to feel like I have value to other people when I don’t place value in them? What draws the distinction between me and everyone else?
All that I can claim is a limited view. Here in this head is the only place I can live, and so by default it is the best place to be. It can’t be otherwise. If it is better to be someone other than myself, then I am doomed. I am this person. The only choice I can see in wishing I were another person is the choice to despair. So to protect myself, my mind prefers its own company. I may want to be in better condition, but I still want to be me.
It’s not that I don’t care about anything. Clearly I do. The problem is the egocentricity. It is so pronounced that it is isolating me. I am at once glad and frustrated with my distance from other people. I know that human connection can be a truly vital component to life… and yet at the same time I wonder if needing that connection isn’t some sort of vanity or weakness on my part. I exist whether anyone knows it or not, don’t I?
What bothers me most of all is the idea of an extreme. I am falling victim to an absolute way of being when I shut everyone out. I am being rigid when I value flexibility. I am letting black and white thinking take over when I prefer the gray area.
So how do I change? Where do I start? The only thing I can think of at this point in time is to keep myself aware. I am also going to try and rationalize my way into having a heart. If there is no use expecting to be valued when I am selfish, doesn’t that mean that the value lies in generosity? It seems so cliché and obvious… it’s essentially a clumsy way of expressing the golden rule. Maybe that’s why I don’t quite feel it deep down. It almost seems too simple to be real.
Even if I can’t convince myself for now, it’s a start. It seems that it’s necessary to trace the same patterns of thought over and over again before they truly stick in a different direction. This makes a lot of sense. After all, most of what we learn, even the negative thinking, is a product of repetition.
There’s a thunder storm outside. It rages! Just now it rages outside the window. Rain in torrents. Flashes and clashing clouds. I find that comforting. I feel like no one asks you to shine in the rain. No one blames you for wasting the day. Least of all yourself. But there’s more than that going on. It’s not just a shield for however I am feeling. The weather is cathartic and independent. It says everything it has to say and never falters in saying it. Storms like this never hesitate to break open. They arrive and purge their burdens. In response we give them awe, we give them respect.
Rain is marvelous. Wind is beautiful. Heavy clouds are soothing.
I don’t always revel this way in the chaos. I have seen the sun and had cause to smile. But any enjoyment, even of this dark performance, has to be a positive thing. I want to take it in that direction. I am a pendulum in my moods and while this tick forth is with me I will take hold of it. Too many days the rhythm has been out of sync. It has a bad habit of skipping beats lately, so that all I seem to notice is the backwards trend. Then it crosses my mind that it may not be a pendulum anymore. It might be the counting down of a time bomb. The scariest thing about those days is that I don’t know what the detonation looks like or what it really means. I’ve haven’t reached that point in a long time and I’m sure that it would look different now than it did then. It has become a great What If, a great Unknown, the most terrifying of all elements. Some days every tick seems to be closer and closer to boom.
But not today. Today I get a lovely downpour from the world beyond the window. Today the sky unfurls its darkness and refuses to apologize for it. Today I am coasting on external stimulus and I am fine with that. It is only today. Even tonight may be different. For the moment, it doesn’t matter.
It’s a painful truth that I have dealt with for a long time. I start projects but I am terrible at seeing them through. I am going to do my best not to impose the expectation of completion on this blog. I am using this to cope, hence the title. There will be ebb and flow, I just have to accept that.
So what’s the plan? Truth, truth and more brutal truth. Maybe some hope thrown in there and maybe even -dare I say it?- a dash of change as well.
My current status: unstable. I am wavering at the edge of downward-spiral land. I’m not there yet, I’m keeping afloat, but it’s pretty meager in terms of functionality. This means that I am taking very poor care of myself and my surroundings. It’s a mess, I’m a mess. I spend a great deal of time not thinking about it and coasting on avoidance pass-times.
Is blogging this any better than what I’ve been doing? I like to think so. At least this is an outlet. A purging method that allows me to reflect a little. I have this idea of adding my little cartoon character… but I may lack the confidence to keep that going.
She’s not much to look at, but she’s a decent echo of low mood.
Already I have mixed feelings about this… the blog in general. But, somehow feeling bad about it is doing something to convince me it’s a good idea. I really want to make it work, at least for a little while.
I’ve tried to look the other way for quite some time, and it doesn’t help me. How I have managed not to devolve entirely most likely has a lot to do with luck. Now I am trying to look this thing in the face and see what comes of it.
This is short… very very short as far as a post is concerned. Still I wanted to start somewhere. I’m going to put more into this tomorrow, perhaps touch up the menus and whatnot. It is time for me to be getting into bed.