In this moment

There’s a thunder storm outside. It rages! Just now it rages outside the window. Rain in torrents. Flashes and clashing clouds. I find that comforting. I feel like no one asks you to shine in the rain. No one blames you for wasting the day. Least of all yourself. But there’s more than that going on. It’s not just a shield for however I am feeling. The weather is cathartic and independent. It says everything it has to say and never falters in saying it. Storms like this never hesitate to break open. They arrive and purge their burdens. In response we give them awe, we give them respect.

Rain is marvelous. Wind is beautiful. Heavy clouds are soothing.

I don’t always revel this way in the chaos. I have seen the sun and had cause to smile. But any enjoyment, even of this dark performance, has to be a positive thing. I want to take it in that direction. I am a pendulum in my moods and while this tick forth is with me I will take hold of it. Too many days the rhythm has been out of sync. It has a bad habit of skipping beats lately, so that all I seem to notice is the backwards trend. Then it crosses my mind that it may not be a pendulum anymore. It might be the counting down of a time bomb. The scariest thing about those days is that I don’t know what the detonation looks like or what it really means. I’ve haven’t reached that point in a long time and I’m sure that it would look different now than it did then. It has become a great What If, a great Unknown, the most terrifying of all elements. Some days every tick seems to be closer and closer to boom.

But not today. Today I get a lovely downpour from the world beyond the window. Today the sky unfurls its darkness and refuses to apologize for it. Today I am coasting on external stimulus and I am fine with that. It is only today. Even tonight may be different. For the moment, it doesn’t matter.