In and out of my head and not finding much there. Essentially adrift. I’m also not sure exactly how I feel about it. Should I be concerned? Something to mull, but I’m not going to get worked up over it. Mostly because I don’t want to add to the things that bother me. There’s already too many of those. Seems like my temper is on the rise under certain strains. I get caught up between wanting to complain and feeling like I ought not to. Maybe I shouldn’t be bottling things up, but I try to take it under consideration that people don’t like others to complain all the time. It grates.
On the other hand, what am I doing online at all? One assumes there is going to be a certain amount of purging feelings; otherwise it kind of belies the entire purpose. It’s a tug of war, between wanting to be heard and feeling like no one wants to hear it. But I digress, by a lot. My patience is thin lately, though that doesn’t exclude being exasperated with myself. It seems like I am having a hard time shaking the downbeat. It’s most of what I think of lately and it’s most of what I hear.
Why is it that I can’t let it slide? Why does it have to irk me so much? It’s grumpiness and I don’t like it. Seems to me my mom was having a similar problem. It’s almost as if the disposition is contagious. Maybe it is. Emotions certainly seem to have a tendency to be infectious. Some kinds more than others.
I don’t know if it’s a healthy attitude to have but I tend to feel like I would rather be impervious to such an infection. Of course this does mean cutting the good out with the bad. I don’t know, sometimes that seems like a sacrifice that I’m willing to make. That seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Aren’t we, as human beings, supposed to seek out pleasure and happiness? Aren’t we supposed to take the good with the bad?
Besides that, isn’t neutral existence really just another kind of bad? How can living devoid of the positive be any sort of good? Still, I find myself wanting it. I can’t help but feel that what I’m truly after for myself- more than happiness, more than pleasure- is peace. That’s what a neutral existence would mean to me. It would be peaceful. I can’t be sure that conventional wisdom would support this attitude. Though, of course, I have a general distaste in regards to convention, whether it is wise or not.